The lottery jackpot is the highest it has ever been in American History. It's over 640 million dollars. AKA some dumb fuck in Alabama is going to win the trailer of his dreams. Cuz’ you know, no one who ever deserves to win mega millions actually wins. It's ALWAYS either a waterbilly (A hillbilly who lives near the water) or a 95 year old woman hooked up to her oxygen machine.
After taxes you are looking at about $320 million. I can't even begin to imagine what having that amount of money would be like. After taxes I make approximately thirty six cents per hour, so I suppose that kinda money could allow me to be able to buy the ground beef not marked "manager's special". Right now I will put everything into scale for the masses, and by masses, I mean four people who read my blog.
Five dollars for me is about twenty dollars to most people. Twenty is one-hundred. One hundred dollars is well....let me just say this; if hypothetically you are in jail and you need me to bail you out for a hundred bucks, your ass is gonna die in prison. Frankly, I’m shocked Sally Struther's hasn't put me on tape yet for one of her infomercials, do I need to rent a straw hut? Do I need prop flies? I’m not above it. I’m really gaunt and pale; I could easily pass for a 14 year old orphan with AIDS.
How am I able to survive, one could ask? The answer is coupons, more coupons, and generics. My furniture, my cereal, my toilet paper - it's all generic. No sir, you aren't going to find any ‘Charmin’ at my house. That’s not being resourceful. Sorry, there's some one-ply Kroeger toilet tissue I stole from our office building. It's good enough for floor six and now it's good enough for you. Don't worry; the blisters on your ass cheeks will clear up in a couple days.
This may sound really crazy, but sometimes in my spare time (when the jackpot is huge) I make a mock power point presentation detailing my lottery winnings. I make graphs in excel that detail out how much everyone I know will be getting. It's very scientific. I actually spend hours thinking about it and prepare my speeches to my family. "Well mom, I suppose you gave birth to me and fed me and stuff, but really last year was really disappointing. For my birthday when I asked for "no clothes, cash only" you sent me a jacket from Old Navy and no cash. I have told you ten thousand times even a small at Old Navy is too big for me; sure enough I had to return it. Come to think of it, Old Navy should really just manufacture clothes for circus animals. A medium sized Old Navy tank top could fit a medium sized Walrus, or an 8 year old from Texas, your choice. Minus $10,000 Mom. And Dad, minus $10,000 for you for telling mom my clothes are too tight and I need to dress more casual which really means, but you are too polite to say, less faggy. Sister- $10,000 for you, for once dating a hot man in the navy. Brother - minus $10,000 for you for letting mom even walk into 'Old Navy'. Also minus $10,000 for wearing square hipster glasses when you aren't a hipster, you're just dirty.
It’s also imperative to think about extended family and friends. I would normally give a large amount to my grandmother, but she has Alzheimer's and won’t remember what plank in the floor she hid it under. My aunts and uncles I like to various degrees and how much money they get would depend on how Jewy I'm feeling that day. There are a lot of details to consider. My power point presentation by this point is very complicated and looks like a graph with a drawing of an angry octopus. I'm also giving Wanda at the security desk at least five hundred to go and get herself a new wig and maybe she could even use the leftover cash to buy herself a god damn smile. I think I would also waltz into Canter’s deli and give buy everyone a slice of pie a la mode just so I could feel like Bridget Fonda in "It Could Happen To You". Disappointingly, I also have to save some of the money to give to charity to make it seem like I'm a nice person. I also will also need a considerable amount saved so I can semi-permanently live in the castle at Disney World. I know technically it's reserved for dignitaries but EVERYONE has a price. Don’t believe me? Just visit broke straight boys dot com and you'll see what I mean. Disclaimer -Don't actually visit that site. Unless you’re looking for trouble.
In even more exciting news, fifty ‘Best Buy’ stores are going out of business. SHOCKER. Best Buy actually doesn't have employees, they have zombies dressed in frat party blue cup blue. Have you ever tried to ask for help at Best Buy? The employees are so lazy and full of shit. I went into best buy once to purchase a plasma television. When I came home I realized I had just bought a really shiny dishwasher. That's not a true story, but I wish it was. I hope they go under. When you are fired from the DMV you go to work at Best Buy. That much I do know.
Cross your fingers, by tomorrow I could have six-hundred forty million dollars.
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