My Landlady Is A Dumpster Diver

Saturday evening I was out of town when I received a call from a blocked number. Typically I ignore calls from blocked numbers, as usually they are calls from collection agencies. Unfortunately, I owe eighty thousand dollars to Wagner College in New York City. A college that provided me with a useless hundred-thousand dollar degree in theatre that would later earn me an illustrious job as a dancing fork in a Baltimore dinner theatre production of "Beauty & The Beast". A job where I played a pirouetting utensil for six months and made less than minimum wage. For those of you pursuing a degree in theatre, stop now, I beg of you. P.S. Eight years later, I still make minimum wage, only now, my job doesn't require jazz hands. Sallie Mae's going to be waiting a long time. 

Anyway, I answered the call and low and behold, it was Esther, the deranged landlady of my luxury estate.  I immediately took a swig of the vodka tonic sitting on my nightstand and said a Hail Mary. Okay, I didn't actually say a Hail Mary, I don't even know what it means to "Hail Mary" except I assume that's what you say to a cute gay guy you meet on the street. Or maybe that's, "Hey, Mary!"; I really don't know. I don't participate in religion and the last time I prayed for anything was when there was rumor that Oprah Winfrey was getting her own network. Apparently God does exist.

First off, I want to state for the record that people with blocked numbers must have something to hide. I don't have any skeletons in my closet; my life is an exposed book. Well, truth be told, it's more like an AA pamphlet. I don't have a blocked number and I have nothing to hide (except a pair of Jenkos I purchased in 2004 when I thought it would be fun to go urban for a day). I understand if you are a celebrity and you have a blocked number, or perhaps if you're a drug dealer or an exotic animal collector, however, when you are a 103-year-old landlady who manages a ramshackle apartment building, your phone number should be fully visible to the tenants and to the homeowners association. I really wish her number came up unblocked because I would program her into my phone as "Mrs. Hitler" and I would laugh every time she called. It would be really funny until one day when I accidentally picked up and said, "Hello, Mrs. Hitler". 

Alas, I picked up the phone and said hello. Esther replied, "Hello…hello…Elliott?" Did Esther forget whom she was calling?  Did the nasal, high-pitched voice on the other end not sound like me? Everything, and I do mean everything she says or does is completely irritating. Why does she stare at me from her balcony with binoculars? Why does she stop the elevator on her floor to lecture me about the dangers of carrying heavy groceries up to my apartment? Why does she feel the need to wear sweat pants, socks and sandals every single damn day in West Hollywood? Where are the fashion police? Where are the real police? Why have they not arrested her?

Esther is also the slowest speaker in North America. She is Mr. Ed. Esther says to me, "I was going through the recycling and I noticed you threw out some mail from Anthem Blue Cross. I just wanted to make sure you didn't need it". I didn't respond for a solid thirty seconds. She was going through the recycling?! Wait, what? Esther has been spying on me since the day I moved in, but this is insanity. She is now going through my personal trash. My landlady, in addition to being a fashionista, a relative of Gladys Kravitz, an authority on plumbing, and a general threat to happiness everywhere is, a dumpster diver! 

My first thought was – "Oh my God, what other mail has she been going through? Is this why I haven't gotten my penny saver in weeks?" I should really start subscribing to gun catalogues just freak her out. My second thought was, "Oh my God, she eats stale cereal and apples out of the dumpster" SHE IS THE RACCOON LADY. Because you know the people who are dumpster divers root through the trash to find old bread and moldy cheese and they cut out the moldy parts and then eat them. It's true. There was a whole show Oprah did on it. Esther probably has a table set up next to the dumpster right now. She has lit some candles and is enjoying the rest of that bottle of two-buck chuck I threw out. She's also eating just the rainbows from a bowl of stale Lucky Charms along with a side tin of expired cat food and she has invited some homeless people to her supper club. 

I'm going to the press with this one. And by the press, I mean the building owner. I didn't know how to respond to her. I told her politely, "I don't have Blue Cross/Blue Shield but, thanks for checking." What I really meant was, "I'm getting a restraining order you crazy bitch."

END SCENE.

Real Housewives NYC are back.

The Real Housewives Of NYC are back…kinda. There's a few semi-paralyzed faces and nagging voices noticeably absent but, all in all, I can say I'm not sad to see the likes of Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimon and Alex McCord bite the dust. The new wives - Carole, Heather and Aviva, join Count Chocula (aka Countess Luanne) and Sonja for three delicious television months of life lessons in socializing, "Elegaaaance", and romancing. 


Warning - SPOILERS AND CURVY ROADS AHEAD.

The Real Housewives show always begins with each housewife holding up a golden apple whilst they pan to the camera to utter their new brilliant catch phrase. Count Chocula wins the catch phrase contest this year as her current catch phrase is, "To some people, living elegantly just comes naturally". Mmmm hmmm. Count Chocula is OBSESSED with elegance, it's like she has elegance aspergers syndrome. When she makes her bi-weekly trip to Burger King I'm pretty sure she asks for the "Elegant Double Whopper" along with the "Elegant Frenched Potatoes". The cashiers all hate her because she pays in cash and I'm sure she wears that stupid paper crown all day just to remind people that she is a countess. She also pronounces the word elegance as "ell-le-gahhhhnce". It's hilarious and makes me pee my pants every single time.

P.S. -

The  song lyrics to her number one single (out of her two singles) go, "Money can't buy you class, money can't buy you class….elegahhhnce is learned, my friends, elegance is learned, oh yeah!". The best part of the song (besides her fake Madonna/ East Europea accent) is at the end of the phrase when she randomly screams, "Oh, yeah". Take a note aspiring socialites -  when one teaches others about social etiquette, one should always end the tip with, "oh, yeah". For example, if you tell your one night stand to pull out you should say, "Darling, please don't cum in my ass, oh yeah". Or, when you notice your neighbor walking their dog you can say, "Please stop letting your dog shit on our lawn, oh yeah!". Count Chocula/Lulu is my "go to girl" for all things class. She is also the "go to girl" for when gay men want tips on drag queen makeup.

Sonja's new catch phrase is "A little Sonja will spice up any day". So, Sonja apparently thinks she is an exotic spice. If Sonia was a spice, I'm pretty sure it would be something everyone hates ---like dried cilantro.

I'm now going to take a stroll through the first episode of the season, bring a change of underwear kids, because it is hilariously funny (without trying to be). In the opening scene, Countess and Aveva stroll through the park. The countess drops a bomb....

"Aveva is graceful, charming, poised---you'd
never even know she has a handicap." 
-Countess

Okay, I am already doubled over laughing at Chocula, but wait, what? What? What!? Aveva…handicap? Is Aviva mentally retarded? That would naturally be my first guess, but, more on this later.

In the second scene, we see Sonja getting ready for a party. By the way, she has a new intern, aka, an unpaid personal assistant. In case you weren't aware, Sonja has been in the NY Post many times because she's one broke bitch. Bitch can't afford cat food, much less a personal assistant. But it is nice that rather than laying off her staff (which she doesn't even need) she now just demotes them to be interns. I can only imagine the invaluable experience her intern is gaining. When this intern girl applies for her next job to be the store manager at Claire's I'm sure they will be impressed to see "Sonja Morgan's Intern" on her resume. 

"Did you not put water in this ? Oh my God, where did you girls go to college?" 

-Sonja

"The only thing worse than stale brioche at a party is stale guests." 
-Sonja

Sonia's party plays out on screen and let me tell you, I would have paid upwards of eight dollars to have been invited. In the beginning, Countess/Chocula/Lulu, Sonja, Carole and Aviva get aquainted. Sonja, being the socialite that she is, is shocked that she's never met Carole before. 

Sonia - I've heard about Miss Carol Radziwill and I'm surprised ive never run into her before because of her Kennedy ties.

Carole - I know. I stay pretty much below 14th st.

Sonia - I only go downtown when I want to get frisky, and then I come right back. Well I still go frisky, only a little less than I used to.

Uggg...gross.

Later at the party, Aviva corners Carole and chats with her insufferably about her NY Times best selling 2003 memoir that apparently Aviva just read. Or wait, maybe she didn't read it...maybe someone read it to her. She does have that mystery handicap....

I suppose next on her reading list is Moby Dick or perhaps The Hobbit. You know, stuff that's really current. Carole's book is called "What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship and Love." It's an account of her life, her marriage to fellow ABC News producer Anthony Radziwill, and their battle with cancer. 

Aveva, being the Suzy Sunshine that she is, keeps rattling on and on about the book and about cancer....

Aviva - (Quoting Carole's book) I hate cancer. I hate it.

CUT TO CONFESSIONS BOOTH

Carole - I think the downside now 10 years later I can walk into a party and meet someone who's read it for the first time and I have to click back into "widow time" and here I am in you know my sexy, black hotpants and high heels...

BACK TO PARTY

Aviva (Re: Carole's late husband) - And you know the cross that he gave to somebody for his birthday...

Carole - Can you see my tits?

CUT TO CONFESSIONAL BOOTH

Carole (CONT'D) - When she mentioned the cross I thought, "okay, we are done".

Carole is now my second favorite. She's fiercely intelligent and uninterested in people and more so interested in her tits. I wonder if we are related. I also like that she is a master at transitions. 

Poor Carole can't seem to catch a break and then subsequently winds up wrapped in a conversation with Ramona and Heather about their miserable children. Carole of course, being fierce and independent, has no children.

"I don't hate kids, I just hate when groups of mothers get together and that's all they talk about. I understand the way that's women bond with each other but is not the most interesting for women who don't have kids, and I bet you it's not even interesting for those who do have kids." 
-Carole

Carole abruptly ends the conversation when she declares, "I'm going to go get a drink while you guys talk about kids". She then exits to the bar. NO SHAME. She not only hates kids, she also hates Ramona and Heather, and that's good enough for me. 

Count Chocula then bumps into the new housewife, Heather. As an audience member we don't really know ANYTHING about Heather yet, but we do know that  her dad just passed away last Friday and she is telling everybody and everything at the party about it. It's almost as if she's celebrating her father's death. Chocula is not impressed...

"I can totally sympathize, but darling it's cocktail time...awkward." 
-Countess

Of course towards the end of the evening Chocula and Ramona get in a fight. Countess lectures Ramona on parenting. I wish my editing skills were fine tuned enough to make a re-mix of this delicious morsel...

Later in the episode Ramona visits her new friend Heather at her "Yummy Tummy" offices. You see, Ms. Heather runs a spanks company. This is perfect. Ramona needs spanks. Not just one for her waist, but one for her mouth. Heather is probably thinking about designing a line designed for such a thing and she will probably call it the "Ramoutha". In the scene, Ramona brags to Heather that she's on the cover of the "Learning Annex" magazine.

"You know if I was on the cover of the Learning Annex, you know that free magazine that's next and trash cans on every street corner in New York I think I'd be questioning the direction of my career, not bragging about it." 
-Heather

So, Ramona is on the cover of the learning Annex with an article about building a business. The learning annex? Isn't that where they send the kids that have "special needs"?

Bravo lately has been mastering the art of interstitials. This week they put together a particularly fine homage to Ramona's alcoholism. I snapped a picture montage for your enjoyment. All you need to know is that Ramona is watching her help as they try to open up a bottle of her pinot grigio using a new wine opening device....

 

 

 

Mario!?!

You'll break it! AHHHH!!!!

I.N.S.!

Ramona was very upset. She had to call Mario to open the bottle. Mario came downstairs and also couldn't open it. Ramona needed her medicine. It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. 

About 2/3 of the way through the episode one of the greatest moments in television history happened. Better than the OJ chase, better than Janet Jackson's nipple, better than Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's coach (which she's still mad about BTW)....

Let me break it down for you (pun intended)...

Sonja goes to have a pedicure with her new friend Aviva (the one with the mysterious handicap). Aviva sits down in the chair and puts down a big, orange bag. Sonja remarks that she's seen that bag before, "her friend Eric Clapton used to bring that bag when they went to the pool". And then we discover the mystery behind Aviva...

 O.M.G.

One for high heels, one for sandals, one for swimming.

"I get amused by the reaction when I tell people I have an artificial leg but it's not like I tell them I have a penis or something." 
-Aviva

Hooray Bravo! Bravo! I'm not laughing about the Aviva is missing a leg, that's nothing to laugh about; however, the fact that she decided this specific time to expose her handicap....PRICELESS. She showed it off so casually, like she was taking out an umbrella in the rain, or like Lindsay Lohan showing off her bedazzled ankle bracelet. I know there's not really a convenient time to reveal you're an amputee, but I mean, the fact that she did it at this very moment...comic genius. I can't wait to see her on "Dancing With The Stars". It's been a couple seasons since we had a good amputee. 

The episode then cuts to Count Chocula in the Hamptons. She is having an art show for her teenage daughter. Her daughter has had an obviously extremely happy and privileged childhood, here are some of her paintings she made to showcase her happiness…

WHOA NELLY. HAPPY TIMES AT LULU'S HOUSE. 

In the final act, Ramona has her own house party. Yes, there's a lot of partying going on in the first episode. I'm not just talking about the party Ramona had when she adjusted the IV drip on her Pinot Grigio machine to heavy flow. Or the party she threw when she kicked the shit out of her abusive husband Mario because he called her Crazy Eyes Mcgee. 

As usual Ramona/Ramonster likes to criticize her guests because she is a caring and gracious host. During one instance, Ramona interjects Heather and Mario as they converse about something completely innocuous, maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the wall color, maybe it was Ramona's drinking problem...I can't remember. Anyway, Ramona and Mario curiously notice that Heather allegedly has a habit of interrupting them while they talk to her. They then gang up on her like Bonnie and Clyde. Ramona is Clyde.

Mario - I've already noticed I'm having a hard time, you've cut me off at least three times.

Ramona - Right. You cut people off just so you know. I like you, so I'm just giving you that little heads up.

Heather - I felt the same thing about you but, clearly we like each other because we're just trying to get into word in edgewise because we have a lot to say. 

Then everyone is called to dinner and guess who Heather has to sit next to....

 

"Great. Mario criticizes me and then I have to sit next to him a dinner. I hope I don't interrupt too much or partake in the conversation." 

-Heather

The episode ends with Ramona toasting her new friends. As usual, her party went swimmingly and it's a big ole love fest. We're off to a great start. I leave you with Ramona's blessings....