Missed Craigslist Connections

Craigslist "missed connections" is always a fun place to visit if you are bored and you need a good pick me up. In my effort to entertain myself during the evening hours I decided to re-write the messages with an actual account of what really happened. After all, I believe in honesty and truth. People should not lie or exaggerate, especially on craigslist. Original messages in blue. Translations in red. 

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Target, around 6pm - m4m - 22 (La Brea/SM Blvd)

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Date: 2012-05-31, 1:01PM PDT
Reply to: 

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This is 100% pointless, but I'll give it a stab. You were told to move to another register, but didn't. you were wearing grey pants/toms. We had small talk; I wanted to say more, but didn't want to awkwardly wait after he finished cashing me out. Tell me something about me..? -- 

This is my last chance at finding a man so please, please respond. Last night I had a good mind to slit my wrists due to loneliness, the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my shitty kitchen knives were from Target "RE" Room Essentials collection and they can't cut through bread, much less lacerate my jugular vein. We were standing idly at the register as the blonde woman in front of us bought a banana.  I noticed your grey pants and toms and immediately pegged you as fashion forward and that made me very happy. Carmella at the register couldn't tell if the banana was organic or regular and thus we had to wait for a store manager to come and solve this life dilemma. Whilst we were waiting, I murmured into your ear "Can you believe the size of that banana?" and you said "I've seen bigger". Carmella, frustrated not just at the untagged fruit, but also at her plight in life as a Target employee, turned on her light and dismissed you to aisle eight while she called a manager over. I was left standing there by myself, alone with organic banana woman and Carmella. I gazed at you longingly from across Checkout land. You purchased your pack of double sized 18 pack toilet paper and exited downstairs. Tell me something about me, I love when people talk about me, it's probably why I'm single. Yours truly, man behind Mrs. Chiquita banana.

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You win - w4w

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Date: 2012-05-30, 4:23PM PDT
Reply to: 

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Everything I am I gave you
Every dream I dreamt was of you
Even when you fought my love I loved you

My trying's done
Down goes our sun
My empty heart 
Your heart so thin

I've been knocked out
I'm down
You win

As you swim the muddied pond, beware the plenty of fakes out there 

Everything I am I gave you  {herpes}

Every dream I dreamt was of you  {being lowered into a volcano}

Even when you fought my love I loved you {and your pick-up truck}

My trying's done {I have arthritis from softball}

Down goes our sun {daylight savings bitch}

My empty heart {bleeds the warm blood of feminism}

Your heart so thin {my bush so thick}

I've been knocked out {from drinking}

I'm down {to go down}

You win {you cunt}

As you swim the muddied pond, beware the plenty of fakes out there 

FIN

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Rachel... - w4w - 31 (los angeles)

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Date: 2012-05-24, 1:00PM PDT
Reply to:

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i haven't stop thinking of you...even though we haven't gotten very far, but i still miss you...i know i f***ed up and i know i should've gone to your house that one night...my reason was and still is logical, i just hope you can understand...text or call me, i really want to see you again -Paola- 

I can't stop thinking of you, I wish you would leave the house more often. I'm sorry I stole your stuff, but in all fairness you did give me the key last year before we broke up.  My reason was and still is logical, maybe you shouldn't have slept with Daria and maybe I needed a new IPAD. If you call the cops I will tell them about the puppy mill. I really want to see you again….so I can slit your throat. you dumb bitch.  –Paolo–

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Deli Sandwiches & Piano - m4w - 32 (L.A.-90022)

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Date: 2012-05-31, 12:56PM PDT
Reply to: 

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I chatted you up at a deli in east la on Tuesday, 05/29. i should have invited you to eat with me, but i didn't...

we talked piano and sandwiches. if somehow you see this and decide to e-mail me, please tell me anything specific (clothing, details of conversation, what you ordered, etc.) to weed out the numerous advertisement-prompted emails that i expect to receive... 

We were standing in line for our five dollar foot-longs and I was chatting with you about Boar's head when you declared, "Your bologna has a first name, it's S-H-U-T-U-P". You made me laugh, and I should have invited you to eat with me, but I didn't want our first date to be in a sandwich shop. It would have been awkward because you would have sat and shoved that giant sub down your throat as we conversed and all I would have been able to imagine is well, you know what. I mentioned I was a rehearsal pianist for Meatloaf and I don't know why, but you seemed to leave in a hurry without even ordering your sandwich. Please tell me anything specific about the conversation, I need to weed out all the emails I expect to receive, I tell a lot of people about my career in the music industry….

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To my meathead AC- from your kitten - w4m (Brentwood)

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Date: 2012-05-30, 7:31AM PDT
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You wanted your time & space and I've been using this time to work on myself. You'll probably never see this, but if you do...know that I love you and miss you everyday. I hope you can find your way back to me. 

You should have fed me, you asshole!

-Sincerely, Tabitha the kitty cat.

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tattoos with cigar at 10 am tuesday - w4m - 34 (south pasadena post office)

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Date: 2012-05-31, 1:36AM PDT
Reply to: 

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you were parked in the mazda in front of me. that was awesome.

So fuckin' awesome. I love men in Mazda's. Nothing is sexier. Except for men with tattooed dragon sleeves smoking cigars in Mazda's. I'm turning myself on right now. Yeah boy, yeah. Please write me back. I've got forty five cents in my pocket and a letter that still needs delivering. 

First class mail only. Peace out. Awesome. 

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you did it to me - m4m - 42 (wilmington)

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Date: 2012-05-30, 6:39PM PDT
Reply to: 

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we was at the towel club in wilminton , i'm latin, you f...k me but you came so fast, can we do it again, but tell me how my hair is 

I stopped by the towel club after my ESL class to pick up my weekly custodial paycheck. We had just finished our lesson in past vs. present tense and I was excited to try out my English skills with a true gentleman. I spotted you in the hallway and you looked at me like I was a piñata at a fourth of July picnic. I'm the Latin one, not the black or Asian one. You shot so fast and hard, it was like a gang fight in Tijuana. Tell me how my hair is, was it lookin' hot that day, or did I have the jew fro' ? (that happens when my wife buys VOX shampoo).

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Hollywood DMV - m4w - 33 (Formosa)

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Date: 2012-05-31, 1:07AM PDT
Reply to: 

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You were stretching your injury today as I sparked a conversation with you. I knew you were a dancer when I saw you but when I looked close I realized you were an Angel. I wish I had asked for your digits or given you mine. They called your number and off you went into the DMV abyss to never re appear. I hope you read this. Its totally meant for you! 

We were waiting in line for nearly ninety minutes. I was almost up, and I was nervous that I would have to take a vision test b/c DAMN, I thought I saw an Angel. I watched you bend over and stretch out those white silky tendons. I traced your camel toe around your lady lunchbox and wished I could speed through your V-Trap. Although you told me you were a dancer with the Los Angeles Ballet, I knew you were a coked up stripper b/c I saw you last Wednesday at Nude Girls XXX, not to mention, there's no such thing as the Los Angeles Ballet. Precious called your number and into the testing room you went. I hope you see this, even though you probably can't read. PS The wheels should be turned toward the curb going downhill. 

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Perhaps I will do more of these in the future and/or explore another facet of Craigslist. It is a treasure trove of material. Who knew Craigslist is not just for finding jobs as web-cam performers...but rather a beacon of endless entertainment. 

Grindr - The End of Modern Gay Society

BEEP. BEEP. CHIME. CHIME went their Iphones. Their heads were locked downwards and all three of them gazed desperately into their phone screens. They texted furiously. With their heads down I couldn't really see their faces, but I noticed one of my friends was balding perhaps more rapidly than he would have liked. It appeared as if they had lost all spinal function; they were just drooling, droopy zombie corpses.  It looked like they were practicing for a crash landing, hopefully they would land in a giant vat filled with Long Island Iced Tea.

It was three p.m. and as I sat down to join my friends at the bar table, I began to realize at that my attendance at this so-called "Sunday Funday" gathering was pointless. There was no me. There was no company. And probably, there was no God. There was however, a shirtless bartender to provide liquid courage, a myriad of small photos of strangers located within a 1000 foot radius and a free clinic down the street."Hi", I said to all three of my friends. No response. "Hi", I remarked again, half convinced that perhaps in the loud bar my friends hadn't heard me. "I'm gonna go get a drink" I exclaimed, and I walked away. After a ten minute wait to receive my ten dollar cocktail I pushed my way back to the table. 

My friend Walter finally looked up and said, "Oh my gosh Elliott, how long have you been here?" I wanted to say, "Enough time to notice your Rogaine isn't helping" but instead I said, "Oh, about fifteen minutes". Walter said, "Oh my gosh, you have to see this guy I'm talking to!". Expecting to meet some insanely hot, muscular, blonde cretin who would want nothing to do with me after he glanced upon my average at best facial features, I took a chug of my ten dollar vodka soda and painted on my "nice person" smile. Silly me, I should have known that I wouldn't actually be meeting a real life meathead, but instead, I would be directed to a picture on Walter's Iphone of some shirtless Armenian meathead who was allegedly standing 103 feet away.

You see, Walter hadn't even met this Armenian yet, but somehow he was already involved in a passionate, emotional love affair and Walter was planning on having like, 10,000 babies with him. An Armenian who, according to his online profile was "Hung Like A Camel". I don't really know much about dromedaries, but I was a bit offended by his forwardness, not to mention his blatant reference to Islamic Stereotypes. I could only pray I wouldn't have to meet him in real life. Walter was quite smitten with himself and apparently the exchange  had just ended on a high note. The final text read "Let's MEAT at 8".  I sighed and shook my head. I suppose I should be used to such behavior.

I'm talking of course about Grindr. For those of you not familiar, Grindr is a smart phone radar application for gay men. Gays throughout the land can locate other gays close by, strike up a semi-hilarious double entendre filled conversation which four minutes later eventually lead to unprotected sex and if they're lucky, a mild case of gonorrhea. It's similar to finding a stranger in a bar to sleep with, except you eliminate all the clerical work. Grindr - it's an all you can eat homosexual buffet. And it's completely free. Even Sizzler can't compete with it's price. Asian, Kosher, American, Iranian, African and French. You can essentially get whatever you're in the mood for. In typical buffet fashion, most entrees look a lot better than they taste, not to mention you will probably contract a food borne illness. And by food borne illness, I mean syphilis. I'd imagine Grindr was first designed for priests, politicians and sad farmers in small towns with two houses and a cow, but now anyone anywhere can enjoy hours of socializing without actually socializing. I recently invited eight of my best gays to my apartment for a dinner party. All eight showed up and quickly hopped on Grindr and I learned a hard lesson. Don't even bother serving dinner at a gay dinner party. By seven p.m. six of my friends left before appetizers to go have sex, the other two were on a vodka only diet and couldn't have been less interested in my cooking. 

Steve Jobs has inadvertently caused the complete social downfall of modern gay society . I don't really know what it all means, other than I should really just bring my IPAD with me to bars so I can just sit there and play "Bejeweled" while my friends mentally masturbate and convince themselves that the"straight acting" jock thirty feet away that enjoys "PNP" (party and play) will make good husband material. Is it trolling for sex if technically you really don't even have to troll? You can just stand there looking pretty and pink and people will magically appear on your radar. Grindr is like shooting gay fish in a barrel. Bottom feeders and scavengers, pun intended. I hope someday there will be laws against its use in public. Or maybe they could make a patch. Like a smoking patch, but instead of nicotine, it could pump you with manners.  Until then, I beg of you, take the time to enjoy each other's company. Cell phones down people. Cell phones down. And guys, here's a tip - maybe if you were talking with your friends and actually having a good time you wouldn't seem so god damn unapproachable and aloof in the first place. 

My Cat From Hell

I want to start off my blog today with an apology because blogs about cats are infuriating. Today however, I am taking the plunge. First off I have to say the pages and pages of blogs about cats (or dogs) are mind numbingly endless  and I don't want to be a copy cat (cringe). Similarly, everyday on facebook I'm littered with random, talentless, wanna-be Hallmark Card creators posting pictures of their cats doing silly things like a cat drinking a martini with an incredibly creative caption that says "Purrfect". I will not resort to such cheap, idiotic tricks in my blog, we keep it classy here at sassy pants. I swear.

Monday evening I woke up at 1:30 a.m. feeling restless and disturbed. I should admit I had spent the majority of evening playing The Sims and I woke up due to anxiety attack revolving around Franklin (my main Sim) and Ted's (Franklin's life partner) marital issues. Previously that evening, Franklin and Ted Metzler had their baby taken away by social services because they ran out of money to buy food. It was mainly Franklin's fault. Franklin was the breadwinner, but he was recently fired from his job as a firefighter because he spent to much time in the shower and never made it to work on time. Franklin subsequently discovered Ted had been cheating on him with the next door neighbor Cynthia Goth. Cynthia, unbeknownst to Ted, is actually is a vampire who enjoys guitar, gardening and Country music. So my Sim baby is gone and Ted is now a vampire. Art reflects life once again. 

So, there I was. It was 1:30 a.m. and I couldn’t fall back asleep and naturally I turned on the television because from one to two a.m. is cable television's golden hour.  It is absolutely the best time to learn about cutting edge technology such as a giant vibrator disguised as exercise equipment (IE Shake Weight) or buying a giant self heating juicer. It's also the perfect time to pour yourself a scotch and catch the sequel to catch the critically acclaimed feature film, "Two Headed Shark Attack" . In the wee hours of the morning, I discovered a television gem that I never knew existed. It's on Animal Planet and it's called, "My Cat From Hell".  Apparently it's in it's second season. Where have I been? 

The concept is very simple. Couples who possess an out of control, aggressive, bi-polar, kleptomaniac or manic-depressive feline call this dude/ex-convict (allegedly), named Jackson Galaxy who comes to their houses to whip their pussies into shape.

I should first note usually these couples replaced having children with adopting cats, and secondly, Jackson Galaxy is nice, but, if I saw him on the street, I would assume he just robbed a liquor store and is headed home to drink his forty. I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure Discovery Channel (which owns Animal Planet) put him on the wrong show. I do believe he was originally slated to be in the cast of the second season of "Locked Up" but, due to good behavior in prison, he was set free. Discovery didn't want to lose such an undeniable talent (he also threatened to burn down the studio) so Discovery trained him in rehabilitative pet therapy and gave him a show for their popular twilight hour. Just a theory.

All in all, Animal Planet has completely outdone themselves once again. The show is genius. It's very similar to the dog whisperer, except it's way funnier because it's basically a 43 minute montage of white people and lesbians being mauled by cats. The show features a plethora of cat training tools....

I have learned a few things from the show which I will now share…and by the way, you're welcome America. 

For those of you who have an out of control pussy you may want to invest in the following….

                                          "Cat Du Soleil"

A ) The cat wheel. This is like a hamster wheel, except it's for cats. You can use this as a wheel to punish your cat for drinking milk straight from the carton or perhaps use it on your cat who has been eating cat-nip in the basement while you were asleep. HASBRO originally designed it for toddlers with A.D.H.D., later used for Hamsters in the 1940's and now, in 2012, it has been re-branded and now conveniently works for cats.

                                         "Please kill me"

B) The cat harness. When you own an out of control cat, he or she could benefit from a good walk now and then. I've never really seen anyone actually walking their cat, but if I did, I would surely take a moment to thank them for providing me with comedy gold. The harness takes me back to my childhood. We used to have a bunny when I was growing up. My mom would walk it. Yes, you read that right. My mother would walk the pet bunny...on a leash (the rabbit, not my mom). Because, according to my mom, there's nothing a rabbit enjoys more than a nice evening stroll. Tip that bottle mom, tip it. Later an autobiography would be written about these walks with my mother, it was called "The Bunny Suicides".

C) If you have a cat that can scratch it's way through the screen door and then mauls your neighbors baby, it's definitely not a good time to put down the cat. It is however an EXCELLENT time to call Discovery Channel – it's your duty as a fellow civil servant to exploit the hidden dangers lurking in your own seemingly quiet suburban house. Also, you may as well be on television, right?

D) if you have a cat that pees in the sink, it's because you don't change your damn litter box enough and you're a disgusting pig. (Or your cat has bad manners). You're welcome.

I am really looking forward to my future filled with "My Cat From Hell". Unbeknownst to many of my friends, they have cats that will soon be television stars. Although I work with a talent agency that represents actors (some of whom are from hell), I have a feeling that representing cats would be WAY easier. And of course, with the recent outrageous trend of people making facebook pages for their cats, I think it's way easier to scout for talent.  It will be called CAAK (Creative Artists Agency Kitties) and just to be extra fancy, there will definitely be a drinking toilet in the lobby. 

Please tune in and keep this gem on the air. If you can't stay up, I hear cat-nip is great for stimulation.

Disney Characters Fight For Civil Rights

This news report is NOT brought to you (nor sponsored) in ANY WAY by Disney. They could sue me for tens of pennies…..

SHARE SHARES – SHARE NEWS - 

Last evening, in an act of protest against North Carolina's Anti-Gay constitutional amendment, Disney characters from around the globe gathered for the first annual "Animated Intervention of Disney Stars" - or A.I.D.S. for short. Disney characters lined up outside Canter's Deli on Fairfax Ave beginning at seven p.m. Pacific time to rally and "throw down" against the "evil Carolina forces". Mass picketing took place, Disney stars from all walks of life - princess', princes, kings, queens, tutu'd hippopotamus', ladies, tramps, and giant octopi were all seen at one point or another during the rally. Overall, the rally was a tour-de-force protest and hopefully the word has spread that discrimination in any form (except against swamp ogres) is just plain wrong.

The rally continued throughout the evening hours peacefully and without incident until the notoriously shifty Ms. Cruella de Vil Sr. abducted a dog walker's cocker spaniel during an evening stroll. Soon after the incident the protest was shut down by West Hollywood officials. De Vil was later seen in a West Hollywood county jail cell, along with her allied co-stars Malificent and Yzma, who had both been subsequently arrested for jay walking and suspicion of controlled substances.

Disappointingly, a  few A-List celebrities were nowhere to be seen.  Member of the fab five and Mickey Mouse Club star, "Mr. Goofy Disney" was not in attendance. According to his own account, Goofy took the bus the wrong direction and wound up in Inglewood. When we caught up to him later at Yogurt Stop, he simply replied, "Aww, shucks". 

Also missing from the rally was Princess Rapunzel. 

We were told by a flock of little birds that she missed the entire event because she was, "too busy doing her hair". Finally,  Dumbo the elephant was no-where to be seen, still clinging to those old-fashioned Republican values. Share News sent hard pinching reporter Sebastian the Crab to the Rally to gather comments from which will be broadcast at a later date on ABC.  

Sebastian Mc.Bubbles first interview was with the lovely Mrs.Cindy Ella held just before she dashed out of the protest at 11:59. Oddly, Cindy was in a huge rush to leave and her foot was bleeding. Since her humble days as a housemaid, she has since traded in the pumpkin for a Beemer and she is a trophy wife/supporter of gay rights. She offered Mr. Sebastian a glimpse into a life vastly improved by a homosexuals, yet one in which they are still treated as second class citizens.She did offer commentary before dashing out. Below is the transcript….

Sebastian – Good evening. I'm Sebastian the Crab, reporting from way up here above the lake. Join me as I go inside the A-I-D-S rally, as International Disney Characters fight for Civil Rights and for the emotional and financial stability of ice dancers and choreographers everywhere. I have gathered several prominent movie stars to gauge their reaction to the recent constitutional amendment banning gay marriage in North Carolina. First up, I will be interviewing Ms. Cindy Charming Ella, known to most Americans as Cinderella.

(Cont'd)

Sebastian - Ms. Ella, you have experienced constant discrimination since your father died. You were pale, ashy and humble. You were forced to scrub floors and wash windows, and yet, you were not even Hispanic. You did not fit into any group. Like the gays, you must have felt like an outsider. How does the recent passing of this constitutional amendment make you feel?

Cindy - Well, I can say that I'm royally pissed off. This whole marriage thing just boggles my mind. If it wasn't for fairies I wouldn't be standing here today! This dress, this 6 inch glass stiletto, they made me who I am! And, I thank them for that! Anyone who says they don't deserve equal rights can suck it.

Sebastian - Thank you Cindy. Always a pleasure. Secondly, we are going to the host with the most that lovable blue queenie - The Genie.

Genie – Good evening Sebastian. Aren't you looking crabby?

Sebastian – Thank you. Genie, have you any words to those who are still opposed to gay marriage even in the year 2012?

Genie – Why, yes, yes I do. Really rubs me the wrong way 'Bastian…

Sebastian - Very funny, Genie.

Genie – No, but seriously, the red-state conservatives think the gays are gonna take over. Like there will suddenly be some sort of gay revolution and the homosexuals will suddenly convert straight people. That hasn't worked since Bert moved in with Ernie.

(INTERRUPTING)

Bert – What Genie?

Genie – I said you're pretty, Bert.

Bert – Oh, thank you.

Genie – Oh yeah, so the whole thing is horribly disappointing and totally unfair. I've been blue for days.

Sebastian – Thank you Genie. And now, we go to my former lover and that fish-tailed ginger, Ariel The Mermaid.

Sebastian - Hello my pet! How are you managing with the rally chant seeing as how with you were recently diagnosed with vocal nodes? Is it hampering your ability to fight for gay rights?

Ariel – (SINGS) LALALAAAAHHHH LALALALAHHHH, LALALALALALALAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sebastian – Can't talk, much less chant. But you can still sing. Good for you honey. Keep fightin'! For those of you who aren't aware, in summer 2013 Ariel is pairing up with Cher and Bette Middler for the Final Final Final Farewell Tour.

Later that evening Sebastian had the pleasure of teaming up with the village's favorite hermit not crab – Belle.



Sebastian – Good evening Madame. Aren't you looking strange, but special…

Belle – Good morning Mr. Crab. I've come to chant for the gay rights people deserve.

Sebastian – It's nearly midnight. Aren't you tired of doing that yet?

Belle – Oh, but I can't stop. Hateful Republicans, corrupt politicians, a president who constantly changes his views…

Sebastian – If you like it all that much, you should consider taking office

Belle – Thank you, thank you very much. I actually considered running for office last year, but I don't think I'd do so well. I mean, I got a lot of backlash a few years ago during that whole bestiality scandal. You know the voters will use that as fodder. People will say, "She married a beast, next thing you know, she'll legalize gay marriage". I don't think it bodes well for the platform. The Southerners will surely think everyone wants to partner themselves with a big ole' bear. Come to think of it, some gays do, but that's beside the point….

Sebastian – Thank you Belle, always a pleasure. Next up, I gabbed with everyone's favorite Diva, Ms. Piggy.

Ms. Piggy – Merci, merci. Kissy, kissy.

Sebastian – Ms. Piggy, I'm surprised to see you here! I heard you were busy shooting the sequel to the Muppets movie….

Ms. Piggy – Well, actually, I was on the way to Canters just to get some pie, and I thought, eh, what the heck? Why not?

Sebastian – So, you didn't actually know there was a rally going on?

Ms. Piggy – Moi? No. It gets a little risky when I go out in public. Especially since the recent trend for eating Organic Bacon. And the paparazzi. But, now that I'm here, I have to say I think it's super important to educate the public. My fans. Some day, I plan to marry love of my life, Kermie the frog. Everyone asks us, "When are we going to tie the knot?". It's been years. I cry myself to sleep most nights. Everyone assumes Kermie has commitment issues and I'm a control freak. What they don't know Sebastian, is that in most states, it is illegal for a pig to marry a froggy even though we've been in love for decades. There are so many rights we aren't privilege to because we aren't married. If I wind up in the hospital with Swine Flu for example, my dear Kermie is not even allowed to visit me. It's criminal.

Sebastian – I'm sorry to hear that Mrs. Piggy. Thank you for your time.

Ms. Piggy – Welcome. Now please excuse me, there's a fresh apple pie with my name on it right through those doors.

Share News decided that it was also important to gain some perspective from some of the perhaps, less celebrated Disney characters. Here we have Friar Tuck, priest of Sherwood Forest, friend of Robin Hood.

Sebastian – Good evening Friar Tuck. Do you have anything to help appease the so-called "bible thumpers".

Friar Tuck – You can't pick and choose what the bible says and only follow certain rules and not abide by others. Ursula, Scar, Jafar and Hades. They're are all here tonight. They didn't necessarily follow the rules. But they weren't really sinners. Essentially, they were all just flamboyant individuals, misunderstood by the public. Later in life, they were all optioned for sequels and made millions…

Sebastian – I'm not sure I follow...

Friar Tuck – Jesus teaches us to love all.

Sebastian – Oh. I see. Well, thank you for your time.

Friar Tuck – Bless you my son.

Sebastian – Amen. Oh look, here's the Snow Queen. Snow Queen do you have any any thoughts on fighting for gay rights?


                         

Snow Queen – No, not really. I'm just here because of the antique shop next door is having a sale. I needed a new mirror. Move!

Sebastian – Whoa. Someone's on the rag. Finally, we interviewed that lovable African warthog, Pumba. Pumba do you care to make any final comments before I wrap this up?

                                   

Pumba – HAKUNA MATATA!

Sebastian – Well, there ya have it folks, "Hakuna Matata". No worries for the rest of your days. I'm sure some evil conservatives will disagree seeing as how gays are allegedly going to rape your children, but that's neither here nor there.

In conclusion, Share Shares would like to thank Sebastian the crab for taking time out of his extremely busy schedule to interview the stars. Hopefully they were able to shed some light in case you were on anti gay-rights. Alas, if you would like to donate to a good cause please visit the human rights campaign website or take a moment to donate to the Trevor Project or at the very least, go to a gay bar and order an apple martini, at least it will help ease the pain of discrimination.

SANDRA LEE IS A DUMPSTER DIVER

I'm dedicating this post to my favorite daytime TV chef, Sandra Lee. Sandra Lee is amazing for so many reasons. None of which include her food. Most of her recipes taste like they were made in an easy bake oven, prepared by a bunch of fourth graders who have been forced to attend some hideous hotel day camp cooking class while their rich parents drink margaritas by the adult pool. Anyone remember that? For those of you who have never had the privilege of experiencing a family resort/hotel usually they are equipped with a makeshift day-care designed by hobos that they try to pawn off as "club kids cool camp". I was there, ball and chain around my ankles, giant canvas bag drooping from my waste, ready for the inevitable potato sack race. I was forced to go.  All I wanted to do was drink vodka stingers by the pool; I was eleven. I just wanted to copy my parents. We weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but my dad did occasionally take me and my brother and sister away on his business trips. I'm assuming this was to give the illusion that we were a happy, loving family to the outside world. Also, us kids wouldn't burn the house down while the babysitter was in the basement turning tricks.

Some of the highlighted activities at hotel camp included hermit crab racing, bird house making, and "ice cream social". First off, I cannot think of ANYTHING  more retarded than a hermit crab race. I know we are not supposed to use the word "retarded", but there is no other adjective to describe hermit crab racing. Which fucked up hobo camp counselor came up with this activity? Horse racing, I get. Horse racing is exciting; mainly because of the fabulous hats people wear to the derby and the serious cash you can win if you're white trash enough. But a hermit crab race? When is the last time you saw a hermit crab pounce across the fifty yard dash line in an effort to win gold?  It was SO stupid and SO boring. 

The only part of hotel camp that was moderately enjoyable was "ice cream social". But I only liked it half way. I liked the ice cream part. The social – not so much. I didn't want to talk to stupid little Susie about her recent sweep of Exotic Bird Bingo. I just want to eat my ice cream in peace. The worst was when we had to make bird houses out of popsicle sticks. How ghetto is that? If I was a bird I wouldn't want a popsicle stick house. That's like living in a FEMA trailer. Not cool. Not to mention, that's a lot of grape popsicles. I'm sure I threw up once or twice. 

Come to think of it, when I was in Cub Scouts they also made me assemble popsicle stick bird houses. Apparently this is a popular past time in the nineties. Building popsicle stick houses and pretending you were in ghost busters. I quit cub scouts soon after the popsicle bird house crafting seminar. Maybe if Martha hosted I would have stayed longer. Actually I quit Cub Scouts because they made me do a variety of humiliating activities and popsicle stick bird house was the last straw (no pun intended). In Cub Scouts, in order to earn badges you had to "leap like a frog", "walk line a bear", and "howl like a dog". You were supposed to complete such idiotic acts in your front lawn and your mom or dad was supposed to check off the boxes under the activity log. Fuck that. I'm not walking like a bear or leaping like a frog in front of the whole neighborhood. I'm going to go inside and enjoy my diet coke and duck hunt. Fuck you and fuck your bear walk. Also, I think once you became a Bear Scout you had to escort an old lady across the street. That would involve at least a half a day's commitment and I didn't have time. 

In the worst hotel they claimed they had a "water park" for all the kids enrolled in camp club. Saran wrap unfolded down a hill is not a water park!!  What about tetanus? I was furious. Where was the wave pool? Where was the lazy river? The sewage drain littered with floating tires is not a lazy river.

Anyway, I digress…

IT'S SANDI WITH AN 'S' NOT SANDI WITH A 'C' CUZ SANDI WITH AN 'S' GOES "SSSSS" NOT "CCCCC"

Back to Sandra. Sandra is  the devil in a pink cardigan. I can just imagine her chopping off the fingers of her assistants each time they incorrectly fold a Pillsbury Crescent Roll. Oh, in case I forgot to mention, Sandra specializes in "Garbage Fare". Essentially, it's food that you buy in a can and then dress up to look gourmet. I don't have evidence of this, but I think she's a closet dumpster diver. She goes in her trash can or the back of one of her pantries and finds ingredients to assemble for one of her famous "Semi-Homemade Meals".  According to Sandra, Cheese Wiz, Busch's baked beans, Tyson Anytizers and Reddi Whip make delicious creamy chicken enchiladas. It's as easy as 1-2-3. You can make most of her meals for less than ten dollars. This is because you can steal most of the ingredients at a food pantry nation wide. Don't worry - it only becomes embarassing when one of your dinner guests asks you, "Oh my gosh, how did you make this lasagna!?" And you reply, "I chopped up a bunch of hot pockets and put some cheese doodles on top and baked for thirty minutes". Yeah, her recipes are pretty terrible, but not nearly as terrible as her outfits.

I have to hand it to her. She is the queen of theming. She is particularly stylish when she cooks International style, such as French or Italian cuisine. Here is a pictorial wrap up of her career highlights….

SANDY BEFORE SHE WAS FAMOUS WHEN SHE WORKED AT EPCOT CENTER. OR... PREPARING HOT POCKET CHEETO ENCHILADAS.

SLUTTY SANDI IN FRONT OF THE OCEAN/BLUE SCREEN. INSERT HOT DOG JOKE.

PEOPLE LOOOVE MY BOOBS.

SANDRA IS USING HER BLOUSE AS A TEMPLATE FOR THE CAKE DESIGN.

JUST ADD VANILLA, AND HALF A TEASPOON OF E.

THE DEVIL WEARS A PINK CARDIGAN.

VOGUE

I SHOW NO MERCY.

COCKTAIL TIME! GET A LOAD OF THE TEDDY BEAR REEF.

If you haven't watched Semi-homemade or Sandra's Secrets please tune in. You can learn to make risotto out of bumblebee tuna and cinnamon rice cakes. It's well worth the 22 minute investment. I expect flowers next time you see me, because her show will change your life.