I'm dedicating this post to my favorite daytime TV chef, Sandra Lee. Sandra Lee is amazing for so many reasons. None of which include her food. Most of her recipes taste like they were made in an easy bake oven, prepared by a bunch of fourth graders who have been forced to attend some hideous hotel day camp cooking class while their rich parents drink margaritas by the adult pool. Anyone remember that? For those of you who have never had the privilege of experiencing a family resort/hotel usually they are equipped with a makeshift day-care designed by hobos that they try to pawn off as "club kids cool camp". I was there, ball and chain around my ankles, giant canvas bag drooping from my waste, ready for the inevitable potato sack race. I was forced to go. All I wanted to do was drink vodka stingers by the pool; I was eleven. I just wanted to copy my parents. We weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but my dad did occasionally take me and my brother and sister away on his business trips. I'm assuming this was to give the illusion that we were a happy, loving family to the outside world. Also, us kids wouldn't burn the house down while the babysitter was in the basement turning tricks.
Some of the highlighted activities at hotel camp included hermit crab racing, bird house making, and "ice cream social". First off, I cannot think of ANYTHING more retarded than a hermit crab race. I know we are not supposed to use the word "retarded", but there is no other adjective to describe hermit crab racing. Which fucked up hobo camp counselor came up with this activity? Horse racing, I get. Horse racing is exciting; mainly because of the fabulous hats people wear to the derby and the serious cash you can win if you're white trash enough. But a hermit crab race? When is the last time you saw a hermit crab pounce across the fifty yard dash line in an effort to win gold? It was SO stupid and SO boring.
The only part of hotel camp that was moderately enjoyable was "ice cream social". But I only liked it half way. I liked the ice cream part. The social – not so much. I didn't want to talk to stupid little Susie about her recent sweep of Exotic Bird Bingo. I just want to eat my ice cream in peace. The worst was when we had to make bird houses out of popsicle sticks. How ghetto is that? If I was a bird I wouldn't want a popsicle stick house. That's like living in a FEMA trailer. Not cool. Not to mention, that's a lot of grape popsicles. I'm sure I threw up once or twice.
Come to think of it, when I was in Cub Scouts they also made me assemble popsicle stick bird houses. Apparently this is a popular past time in the nineties. Building popsicle stick houses and pretending you were in ghost busters. I quit cub scouts soon after the popsicle bird house crafting seminar. Maybe if Martha hosted I would have stayed longer. Actually I quit Cub Scouts because they made me do a variety of humiliating activities and popsicle stick bird house was the last straw (no pun intended). In Cub Scouts, in order to earn badges you had to "leap like a frog", "walk line a bear", and "howl like a dog". You were supposed to complete such idiotic acts in your front lawn and your mom or dad was supposed to check off the boxes under the activity log. Fuck that. I'm not walking like a bear or leaping like a frog in front of the whole neighborhood. I'm going to go inside and enjoy my diet coke and duck hunt. Fuck you and fuck your bear walk. Also, I think once you became a Bear Scout you had to escort an old lady across the street. That would involve at least a half a day's commitment and I didn't have time.
In the worst hotel they claimed they had a "water park" for all the kids enrolled in camp club. Saran wrap unfolded down a hill is not a water park!! What about tetanus? I was furious. Where was the wave pool? Where was the lazy river? The sewage drain littered with floating tires is not a lazy river.
Anyway, I digress…
IT'S SANDI WITH AN 'S' NOT SANDI WITH A 'C' CUZ SANDI WITH AN 'S' GOES "SSSSS" NOT "CCCCC"
Back to Sandra. Sandra is the devil in a pink cardigan. I can just imagine her chopping off the fingers of her assistants each time they incorrectly fold a Pillsbury Crescent Roll. Oh, in case I forgot to mention, Sandra specializes in "Garbage Fare". Essentially, it's food that you buy in a can and then dress up to look gourmet. I don't have evidence of this, but I think she's a closet dumpster diver. She goes in her trash can or the back of one of her pantries and finds ingredients to assemble for one of her famous "Semi-Homemade Meals". According to Sandra, Cheese Wiz, Busch's baked beans, Tyson Anytizers and Reddi Whip make delicious creamy chicken enchiladas. It's as easy as 1-2-3. You can make most of her meals for less than ten dollars. This is because you can steal most of the ingredients at a food pantry nation wide. Don't worry - it only becomes embarassing when one of your dinner guests asks you, "Oh my gosh, how did you make this lasagna!?" And you reply, "I chopped up a bunch of hot pockets and put some cheese doodles on top and baked for thirty minutes". Yeah, her recipes are pretty terrible, but not nearly as terrible as her outfits.
I have to hand it to her. She is the queen of theming. She is particularly stylish when she cooks International style, such as French or Italian cuisine. Here is a pictorial wrap up of her career highlights….
SANDY BEFORE SHE WAS FAMOUS WHEN SHE WORKED AT EPCOT CENTER. OR... PREPARING HOT POCKET CHEETO ENCHILADAS.
SLUTTY SANDI IN FRONT OF THE OCEAN/BLUE SCREEN. INSERT HOT DOG JOKE.
PEOPLE LOOOVE MY BOOBS.
SANDRA IS USING HER BLOUSE AS A TEMPLATE FOR THE CAKE DESIGN.
JUST ADD VANILLA, AND HALF A TEASPOON OF E.
THE DEVIL WEARS A PINK CARDIGAN.
VOGUE
I SHOW NO MERCY.
COCKTAIL TIME! GET A LOAD OF THE TEDDY BEAR REEF.
If you haven't watched Semi-homemade or Sandra's Secrets please tune in. You can learn to make risotto out of bumblebee tuna and cinnamon rice cakes. It's well worth the 22 minute investment. I expect flowers next time you see me, because her show will change your life.
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