The Real Housewives Of Baltimore

I'm obsessed with anything and everything Real Housewives. The fighting, the cookbooks, the table flipping, the backstabbing and the "bubbies" bring joy to my otherwise paltry existence. Rumor has it that Bravo TV will shortly be announcing The Real Housewives of Baltimore.  It will be airing on “Thursdays in Novimbur hon”.

Thanks to my inside Entertainment

Industry connections, I was able to get the skinny on the new cast members before their names and bios are released publicly. You're welcome readers…

 This is Nancy Herbelshire of Reisterstown M.D. For many years Nancy was the shift supervisor of the "Warsh N' Dry" Laundromat on Reisterstown Road. She currently lives in a section eight town  house she shares with her bi-polar sister who is currently on disability. Recently, Nancy's husband of seventeen years divorced her after she "lented" the lawnmower to her neighbors without asking "permissions" from her husband.

With dreams of securing a management position at the "Warsh N' Dry", in 2012 Nancy finally graduated from Phoenix Online University with a degree in public speaking and a minor in business management. This season on the Real Housewives Of Baltimore, Nancy will take a stab at the management (literally) during which she discovers the key to a successful Laundromat does not involve selling snow cones or “shenkin’ a bitch”.

This is Judy Goldshimmer of Pikesville MD. Judy is a former pre-school Hebrew teacher. She currently on maternity leave although she isn’t pregnant, nor did she have a baby. She has four children and a husband who owns the DC based law firm Goldshimmer, Silverberg and Cooperstein. She enjoys the Orioles (The OOOhs”), kugel, and community swimming at the JCC. The black sheep of Pikesville MD, she recently was banned from the Jewish Women's Water Polo league (A.K.A. The Wimerns Wuter Pohlo League” for bringing a broccoli salad accidentally containing bacon to their annual Alzheimer's charity luncheon: "Schvizten and Swimmin’ for the Oldies".

Goldshimmer hardly ever purchased bacon as it was, but there was a sale at GIANT and she couldn’t resist using a good coupon. In a momentary lapse of judgment, Judy forgot that pork for Jews was a definite “no-no”. This season she will navigate treacherous territory as she tries to win back acceptance from the predominantly Orthodox Pikesville society.

This is Harriet Powers of Bethesda MD. A self-proclaimed "Water Billy" (a hillbilly who lives on the water), she is involved developing a makeup and cosmetic line for toddlers. A former pageant judge and stage mom, she is a self-proclaimed fashion and makeup expert, having worked for the past seven years in the beauty department at Wal-Mart. In addition to the cosmetics line she is developing and her part timer status at Walmart, Harriet and her husband run the "Crab Shack" off Route 91.

Harriet, a woman “laced with sugar and spice and everything nice”, is also former dancer (and stripper) having performed was a principal soloist with both the XXX Castle on Baltimore’s Broadway Street and she also served as the prima ballerina with the Parkville Ballet before she was let go due to her addiction to Extra Strength Tylenol and Visine and her inability to cope with her hyper extended elbows. She occupies what little spare time she has teaching intermediate level Krumping at the local dance studio.

Harriet is a proud mother to two twins, Lucy-May and Dessie-Louise. Harriet, a respected socialite and Ocean City expert, has been asked to write a top five article for Best Of Baltimore magazine. Unfortunately, Harriet has absolutely no idea what to write and coincidentally, neither does anyone else she knows. The season will take her on a tenacious search, opening up her inner self, lowering her remarkably low standards to find out exactly, what is the best of Baltimore? The results may surprise you and possibly leave you in a state of terminal apathy.

 Denise Whiting, of Baltimore MD., is the infamous owner of the Hon Café in Downtown Baltimore. A tough businesswoman, Denise currently spends most of her days screaming at her kitchen staff for their complete disregard for the proper measurement of marshmallow fluff in her Sweet Potato Salad recipe. Denise was first made infamous when she hung a giant, fifteen-foot tall paper mache pink flamingo above her restaurant and local government sued her for protruding into the local right of way. Denise later agreed to pay a hefty $400/year flamingo lease fine and a new and improved flamingo came out of hibernation after weeks of inactivity. Then-Mayor Sheila Dixon, who was later tried for corruption, was present at the unveiling of the new flamingo.

A hostile victim of local government jurisdiction, Denise later attempted to sue Baltimore as a whole after she claimed to have trademarked the word “hon”. The case proved unsuccessful. In 2012 Denise' restaurant was featured on an episode of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. Called a "disgusting little piggy" and a "pathetic donkey from hell" by Gordon Ramsey, Denise is trying to re-build her reputation as the charming queen of Charm City. Her new business venture with childhood friend Nancy Herbelshire called "Clean Clothes and Snow Cones" will be the ultimate test of friendship.

Completing the faboulous five is housewife Rose "Ro-Ro" Jaffe. A Baltimore native who was raised in a crack house, she escaped the slums of Baltimore and is currently a "liberian" at P.S. 666. Rose runs the inner city school initiative "Baltimore - The City That Reads", a program that with the help of volunteers has helped over 4,000 East Baltimore 8th grade public School students learn to read "The Hungry Caterpillar". The students are currently progressing well, school officials say that in 2014 it is their hope that all eighth grade students in Baltimore will be reading at a second grade level. Rose is involved in many local organizations and is an active member of the Church of The Lord, Jesus Christ. She is lead singer in their Sunday choir. This season will follow her journey to mount a musical version of the Oscar Winning movie Precious. 

 As you can see, it’s lining up to be an amazing season on Bravo Television. I am truly looking forward to "The Real Housewives of Baltimore". And if the show doesn’t come to fruition, one can only assume it’s because Denise Whiting is now suing Bravo and NBC for defamation of character; or, as Denise says, “deformation of characters”.