My Cat From Hell

I want to start off my blog today with an apology because blogs about cats are infuriating. Today however, I am taking the plunge. First off I have to say the pages and pages of blogs about cats (or dogs) are mind numbingly endless  and I don't want to be a copy cat (cringe). Similarly, everyday on facebook I'm littered with random, talentless, wanna-be Hallmark Card creators posting pictures of their cats doing silly things like a cat drinking a martini with an incredibly creative caption that says "Purrfect". I will not resort to such cheap, idiotic tricks in my blog, we keep it classy here at sassy pants. I swear.

Monday evening I woke up at 1:30 a.m. feeling restless and disturbed. I should admit I had spent the majority of evening playing The Sims and I woke up due to anxiety attack revolving around Franklin (my main Sim) and Ted's (Franklin's life partner) marital issues. Previously that evening, Franklin and Ted Metzler had their baby taken away by social services because they ran out of money to buy food. It was mainly Franklin's fault. Franklin was the breadwinner, but he was recently fired from his job as a firefighter because he spent to much time in the shower and never made it to work on time. Franklin subsequently discovered Ted had been cheating on him with the next door neighbor Cynthia Goth. Cynthia, unbeknownst to Ted, is actually is a vampire who enjoys guitar, gardening and Country music. So my Sim baby is gone and Ted is now a vampire. Art reflects life once again. 

So, there I was. It was 1:30 a.m. and I couldn’t fall back asleep and naturally I turned on the television because from one to two a.m. is cable television's golden hour.  It is absolutely the best time to learn about cutting edge technology such as a giant vibrator disguised as exercise equipment (IE Shake Weight) or buying a giant self heating juicer. It's also the perfect time to pour yourself a scotch and catch the sequel to catch the critically acclaimed feature film, "Two Headed Shark Attack" . In the wee hours of the morning, I discovered a television gem that I never knew existed. It's on Animal Planet and it's called, "My Cat From Hell".  Apparently it's in it's second season. Where have I been? 

The concept is very simple. Couples who possess an out of control, aggressive, bi-polar, kleptomaniac or manic-depressive feline call this dude/ex-convict (allegedly), named Jackson Galaxy who comes to their houses to whip their pussies into shape.

I should first note usually these couples replaced having children with adopting cats, and secondly, Jackson Galaxy is nice, but, if I saw him on the street, I would assume he just robbed a liquor store and is headed home to drink his forty. I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure Discovery Channel (which owns Animal Planet) put him on the wrong show. I do believe he was originally slated to be in the cast of the second season of "Locked Up" but, due to good behavior in prison, he was set free. Discovery didn't want to lose such an undeniable talent (he also threatened to burn down the studio) so Discovery trained him in rehabilitative pet therapy and gave him a show for their popular twilight hour. Just a theory.

All in all, Animal Planet has completely outdone themselves once again. The show is genius. It's very similar to the dog whisperer, except it's way funnier because it's basically a 43 minute montage of white people and lesbians being mauled by cats. The show features a plethora of cat training tools....

I have learned a few things from the show which I will now share…and by the way, you're welcome America. 

For those of you who have an out of control pussy you may want to invest in the following….

                                          "Cat Du Soleil"

A ) The cat wheel. This is like a hamster wheel, except it's for cats. You can use this as a wheel to punish your cat for drinking milk straight from the carton or perhaps use it on your cat who has been eating cat-nip in the basement while you were asleep. HASBRO originally designed it for toddlers with A.D.H.D., later used for Hamsters in the 1940's and now, in 2012, it has been re-branded and now conveniently works for cats.

                                         "Please kill me"

B) The cat harness. When you own an out of control cat, he or she could benefit from a good walk now and then. I've never really seen anyone actually walking their cat, but if I did, I would surely take a moment to thank them for providing me with comedy gold. The harness takes me back to my childhood. We used to have a bunny when I was growing up. My mom would walk it. Yes, you read that right. My mother would walk the pet bunny...on a leash (the rabbit, not my mom). Because, according to my mom, there's nothing a rabbit enjoys more than a nice evening stroll. Tip that bottle mom, tip it. Later an autobiography would be written about these walks with my mother, it was called "The Bunny Suicides".

C) If you have a cat that can scratch it's way through the screen door and then mauls your neighbors baby, it's definitely not a good time to put down the cat. It is however an EXCELLENT time to call Discovery Channel – it's your duty as a fellow civil servant to exploit the hidden dangers lurking in your own seemingly quiet suburban house. Also, you may as well be on television, right?

D) if you have a cat that pees in the sink, it's because you don't change your damn litter box enough and you're a disgusting pig. (Or your cat has bad manners). You're welcome.

I am really looking forward to my future filled with "My Cat From Hell". Unbeknownst to many of my friends, they have cats that will soon be television stars. Although I work with a talent agency that represents actors (some of whom are from hell), I have a feeling that representing cats would be WAY easier. And of course, with the recent outrageous trend of people making facebook pages for their cats, I think it's way easier to scout for talent.  It will be called CAAK (Creative Artists Agency Kitties) and just to be extra fancy, there will definitely be a drinking toilet in the lobby. 

Please tune in and keep this gem on the air. If you can't stay up, I hear cat-nip is great for stimulation.