Pampering and Spa Style

Pampering/My day at Burke Williams -

On Saturday, March 24 I had my first ever Spa experience. Let me preface my entry by saying I’m not one who typically has the luxury of being pampered, nor is pampering something I'd say I’m comfortable with. My idea of being pampered is when Bed Bath and Beyond will accept my expired $5 off coupon. Or perhaps pampering means finding a a nice Latino man in the 'Home Depot' parking lot who is willing to paint your entire apartment for $30. That my friends, is pampering...

Moving forward to my day at the Spa….

I awoke at 11 am and the day was crisp and cool. I enjoyed a lovely breakfast of coffee and eggs and got ready for my spa appointment. I had never actually been to a spa before, AND this was Burke Williams, one of the premier spas in LA. I was feeling all fancy pants and perhaps wondering if I should wear a suit because I would appear wealthy and powerful. Then, I quickly realized my suit was from H&M. So, instead I went the more casual route. Settled on skinny jeans, a button up, a cute Armani Exchange necklace and lace up high-tops. Later that afternoon I discovered I should have gone in sweats and a tee shirt. Between all the quick changes involved in going to a spa getting naked and un-naked, I could have my made life a lot easier. Most of the people going into Burke Williams looked like hell. Most of the people coming out looked like a shinier version of hell. I spent a quarter of my spa day just trying to put on my skinny jeans and high tops. After all the steaming, boiling, lotions and potions, it's really difficult to put on skinny jeans, especially when you are so relaxed your entire body feels like a gelatinous blob. Lack of muscle control people. Putting on skinny jeans is a hard task, even on a skinny day.

I was given a quick tour of the spa by a boy named James. (Actually, I don't remember his name; I was too traumatized by seeing dozens of naked, antique men to really be paying attention to details). We started out with a tour of a space called the quiet room. Essentially, a giant storage closet turned into an isolation tank. He told me I could sit on these big comfy chairs and nap. Do people really come to Burke Williams to take a nap? I thought to myself, "Wow, after getting a massage and a facial and sitting in a hot tub for four hours I will be extremely tired and stressed out. I'd better go to the quiet room to take a nap." He also pointed out the bucket of cucumbers just outside the room. You could put them on your eyes while you took a nap. The tour boy also told me sometimes people eat the cucumbers. I thought that was really weird and white trash and disgusting. Later, I actually saw someone eat one of the cucumbers. There was a ton of fresh fruit in each room…were people really that famished that they needed to eat the cucumbers? Also, there was no ranch dressing.

As a side note - I've never actually put cucumbers on my eyes, but later that afternoon I decided to give it a whirl. I didn't realize how difficult it was to actually get them to stay on. Maybe I'm just extra twitchy or maybe I have graves disease, but I really feel like Burke Williams is doing a dis-service by not putting out some scotch tape or maybe petroleum jelly. They just wouldn't stay on. Also, I should provide a safety tip about cucumbers (I'm sure I'm not the first person to do so). If you decide to put cucumbers on your eyes, and five minutes earlier you have dried your neck and shoulders with a cool rosemary mint spritzed spa towel - wash your damn hands. Apparently rosemary mint spritz is actually a paralyzing, eye ball burning toxic agent. Three minutes of excruciating pain in your eyeballs will occur if the spritz is indirectly applied to cucumbers.

Moving on with our tour he took me to the mens spa. Or as I would call it, "The Manz spa". He referred to it as 'European Style". This means if you are old, fat and nasty, feel free to be butt ass naked. If you are even reasonably attractive, please keep your clothes on. I find this rule to apply to nude beaches as well (not that I've ever been to one). He told me if I had to do number two to please make sure to shower before entering any of the facilities. I would never consider using a public restroom to do such a thing; however, now I was really scared. What did he mean by that? Am I going to be bathing in poo water?! I thought taking a shower before entering any pool or hot tub was just common sense! After misting myself with citrus spray (apparently Burke Williams has lemons o'plenty (unlike 'Chile's' and Applebees - see lemon water post) and having an organic banana I felt calm and relaxed enough to do the whole hot tub, sauna, steam room thing. I do have to say it was quite amazing and relaxing, even if in the hot tub I was reading fitness magazine about how bananas are making me fat.

After being cooked for a good 30 minutes I went to the waiting room to wait for my specialist for my facial. By this point everyone was in white robes, sitting around looking all steamy being very quiet and meditative. There I was, minding my own business when Jasmine and her seven best friends from the cast of "Madea Goes To Jail" showed up for their spa day birthday party. "Girl, that hot tub was boilin'! "Did you have any of that lemonade…itz good!" "Where you wanna sit girl!? One of them even picked up her cellphone and started yelling at her husband. I do admit, the birthday girl looked extra glamorous in her crown from the 99 Cent store. Suddenly, the waiting room went from a relaxing, meditative space, to become the extras holding tank on a Tyler Perry movie. The women were quickly escorted out by a bunch of massage therapists, who already seemed super annoyed that the women were causing such a commotion in the waiting area and also that they probably wouldn't be getting tipped.

Then it was my turn. My moment had arrived. 50 minutes of pure bliss facial treatment. She rubbed many different lotions on my face and opened up my pores and massaged my shoulders. For the most part, it was super relaxing and fun. I came out looking weeks younger. I only have a few constructive criticisms. My esthetician was pretty and sweet but I wish she would have gave me a brief run-down of the standard operating procedure before she started going all Grey's Anatomy on me. I knew we were headed down a slippery slope when she told me to dip my hands in paraffin wax at the beginning and she didn't tell mention the wax was boiling lava hell hot. I think she could tell I was a little irked about the wax when she said before one of the applications "this may cause a slight sensation, this has clove in it". What she really meant to say is, "This will burn your fuckin' face off, but don't scream, we're in a quiet space!" Also, towards the end, she took a tweezer/scalpel like instrument to my nose and started what she called "exfoliating". Exfoliating means gently taking a layer off. She should have just had a helmet and a jackhammer, it was like she was digging for a water line! I consider myself to have a pretty high tolerance for pain and I'm sure I was tearing up. I'm also sure you couldn't tell I was crying because of the hot rosemary mist blowing in my face which was already causing me to be sweaty and puffy and red. After she was done exfoliating I said to her "wow, you don't put that part in the brochure". She giggled and gave me the "oopsies" face. I really wish she had been Asian, it would have made the exchange even more hilarious.

I walked away from Burke Williams feeling quite extraordinary. If nothing else, for a good two hours my pores would salute to the sun and I would look awake and energetic. It's a real change from the normal me --- baggy eyed, black headed and blemished. I can't wait to go back and feel that cool scalpel against my face. Thank you to my lovely boss for treating me to a day at the Spa. Next time I go back I will be wearing sweat pants with holes in them, oh, and possibly a plastic crown from the 99 cent store.