Rain in LA

This past Sunday, rain swept across Los Angeles and Los Angeles County. For those of you who aren't West Coast natives, today's blog is a synopsis of what actually happens when it rains in Los Angeles.

THE CITY GOES INTO LOCKDOWN MODE. PEOPLE PANIC. 


And, as far as I know, no one in LA even owns an umbrella except obviously Rhianna who actually owns three, or maybe just a single contraption called an umbrella-ella-ella. I'm assuming it's similar to an umbrella, but much bigger, like a golf umbrella. Also, I should point out that with my hideous Baltimore accent the word 'umbrella' is actually pronounced "umbrulla". Go ahead, say it now, um-brew-lah. When it rains in LA it is like the movie "Twister" and you are Helen Hunt. But hopefully prettier and more talented. There are cars flying everywhere, mud slides, flash floods, and Channel 4 reporting that the rain storm will be the end of LA as we know it. You MAY soon find yourself in a storm shelter with nothing except herbal tea, fat free frozen yogurt and a pair of ugg boots.

The great part about LA rain is that people hide. I went to target on Santa Monica Boulevard on Sunday and I and could actually shop in the ex-lax aisle without 29 skinny bitches fighting over the last box. I also thought about buying an umbrulla and returning it. But, by the time I would have picked one out that would have matched my eyes I would have had to pay for parking. It's $1.50 per hour after the first hour and, fuck that. No where else in America do you have to pay to park at a Target, except in Los Angeles. I just need a light bulb, some undies and a box of ding dongs, I'm not paying to park in your nightmare death trap parking lot for $1.50. Get it together Target.

I'm not a science teacher but I don't think they have a weather unit in LA elementary schools. When I went to school we learned about all sorts of weather patterns and how to prepare for disaster. I grew up in Baltimore. We had sun, rain, lightning, snow, tornados, hurricanes and black death. Okay, so black death wasn't so much a weather pattern, it was just a nightly occurrence at the Savon Liquor Store on Cherry Ave. Bottom line is that LA Public schools are notoriously bad. If you have ever encountered a child raised in Los Angeles, do not panic, the child is not retarded, he or she just probably went to LA Public School. In LA's defense I have to say that designing a curriculum based around Los Angeles weather patterns would be a fuckin' big waste of every one's time. "Today kids, we are going to scientifically examine weather. If you look out the window it's bright and sunny, and if the big glowing ball in the sky is yellow, it's daytime. If you look up on top of that mountain you will notice a giant layer of toxic smog that will cause erectile dysfunction, douche bag syndrome and Asian offspring when you're older. Take a big whiff, we are all breathing it in every moment. This concludes our lesson on weather. Next week we will cover earthquakes and also take a field trip to the La Brea tar pits. Bring a book, cuz' it's fuckin boring".

It drives me bonkers that the rain is the only topic of conversation on every ones lips. Even the terminally despondent Target cashiers get involved during checkout. "Wow, it's raining cats and dogs out there." I really hate that expression. One day I hope it happens. With all those dogs and cats falling from the sky my only question is, what would the crazy cat lady do? Would she kill herself because she ran out of room to save all the kitties?

When it rains in LA, the world news comes to a an abrupt stop. Ya got it? NO NEWS. On Sunday there was no conflict in Uganda, no primary election, and we even shelved the fact that this past month Halle Berry is in a shark movie that went direct to DVD. The only thing natives wonder is, will it ever stop? Is same side street parking in effect in the event of a flash flood? (the answer is probably yes) And finally, will LA turn into a frozen tundra and will Jake Gyllenhaal be chased down by giant wolves?

It finally stopped did stop raining yesterday. Thankfully the LA fire department has cleaned up the 245 car accidents caused by bad drivers going too slow in the rain. The power is back on and Los Angeleans everywhere can return to eating porch side 'In & Out' and drive off dangerously slowly into the sunset, sans turn signals.