The Hunger Games- My Review

WARNING – THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS, ALTHOUGH NOTHING DAMAGING ENOUGH TO RUIN THE MOVIE…..

I finally caved in and saw "The Hunger Games". I have to say, after hearing all the buzz, I was really looking forward to seeing it. Did it live up the the hype? Meh. I think watching a gang shootout in East Detroit via Skype would have be more suspenseful. I can't say I was ever bored, but I also can't say that found it to be intense. That PG13 rating totally ruined it for me, I wish it was grittier.

The movie is set in a distant future in a country ruled by a bunch of totalitarian aristocrats who think kids killing other kids is HILARIOUS. I guess this is what happens when the DARE program fails. This evil dictatorship has completely stripped the country of it's resources, and, as a result, classes are divided into rich and dirt poor. It's similar to the story of America, except in this future they have national high speed rail access. The rich folks live in an "Oz-like", illustrious city, where it's residents enjoy Mac cosmetics, the color purple, and eating lamb chops. I swear to God, every other scene was a shot of some rich bitch eating a lamb chop. Outside the magical city of Oz, the population is divided up into twelve broke ass districts, each one worse than the last. The worst one I'm assuming is district 8, which is kinda like Harlem. The poor are forced to work in factories assembling IPADS, eat squirrel for dinner and spend their Sundays training their kids in the art of "fuckin' up a bitch". Once their kid grows pubes, he or she will be entered in a raffle to play "The Hunger Games". The Hunger Games is a nationally televised event where hormonal teens must battle each other to the death using only hand to hand combat or emotional backstabbing. The rich bitches in the city of OZ see it as sport. Twenty-four kids from twelve districts go in, only one comes out alive. It's like "Survivor", except Elisabeth Hasselbeck isn't there telling everyone what to do.

The kids are taken to Oz via high speed rail and trained for a few days in Zoomba and Karate. During training, they are put up at the Four Seasons where the kids have their own maids, spiritual advisers and fashion consultants. After several days practicing how to throw ninja turtle weapons and mastering the art of operating a reversible kimono, the poor kids are thrown into a virtual arena in order to battle to the death. The arena is a nasty forest filled with angry bees, asteroids, forest fires and bear pig dogs. With the push of a single button from a featured day player, the forest environment can change dramatically. It's all very upsetting and if I were in the Hunger Games I'd be dead within minutes. I remember when I was forced to play paintball once. Within 3 minutes I was a walking advertisement for Benjamin Moore.

My notes on the cast -

Jennifer Lawrence is a hot tamale and she's quite good at actressing. I also like how proficient she is at killing and skinning animals. In "Winter's Bone" she could have opened up a taxidermy shop and made thousands and moved out of that shit hole town! In the Hunger Games she STILL hasn't opened that shop and she's STILL poor. Dumb bitch. She does sacrifice herself for her sister after her sister is initially chosen to be a contestant in The Hunger Games; kinda cute. All in all though, she's a bad ass chick and she'll cut ya.

The male lead, Josh Hutcherson, is delicious, and gets to hide out in the woods because it turns out he's a pansy ass baker. That is correct. He's able to hide in the woods because he can camouflage himself using skills he learned in cake decorating classs.? I was confused by this. Sadly, sugar and flour only get you so far when 23 teenage savages are hunting your ass down.

Woody Harrelson was quite outstanding as the snug, drunk bastard who doles out snarky advice to anyone who will listen. Type cast much?

Stanley Tucci was quite serviceable, doing his best Wendy Williams impersonation as the master of ceremonies. He has a lot of purple hair in the movie and he's orange. I didn't recognize him at first. He looks like that Oompa Loompa from the re-make of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. I didn't know it was him until the credits rolled. The entire time I kept thinking, "What the fuck is that midgets name?" Turns out, if wasn't a midget after all. It was just Stanley Tucci, in orange face. Who knew?

Supporting cast (aka the bitches who are gonna die in the woods) - The remaining Hunger Game kids were all fine, except that they were all basically glorified extras. As an audience member we didn't get to know anyone except for a little black girl named Willow. Actually, I don't know if her name was Willow. I just assumed it was Will Smith's daughter who had somehow weaseled her way into the movie. Actually, I think her real name is Amandla Stenberg. AMANDLA! Yes, Amandla. A-MAND-LA. When she was in the hospital I'd imagine the conversation went like this.…

White Nurse - Oh my gosh, she's adorable, what's her name?

Mom – Amandla.

White Nurse – Amanda?

Mom – No, Amandla.

White Nurse – Amandla?

Mom – You got a problem?

White Nurse – No, no. I'll see you later. (Exits room) Ugggh….TYPICAL

So, "Amandla" was pretty cute. I would adopt her if I could.

I will rent the Hunger Games when it comes out on DVD. I found it to be enjoyable, but unremarkable. I get it. I get the craze. It's a movie made for teenagers that adults without a BA could enjoy too. There aren't any vampires or werewolves so that's a plus, but there's also no chestal nudity --- sad times. I'd give it a solid "B". Go see it on a rainy day. It also made me want lamb chops---real bad.