Real Housewives Of New Jersey (Season Four)

The Real Housewives Of NJ are back….

The real housewives of New Jersey are finally back for another season of righteous piety, peaceful family time, and philanthropic charity work. By charity work, I of course am referring to the joy they bring to millions of underprivileged, hard working Americans I.E. - Me.

First off, I'm really terrified to write this blog. It's perhaps the most dangerous thing I've done in my entire life, short of one time taking the Greyhound from D.C. To N.Y. But I only write about these woman because I'm afraid of them and I think by talking about them, it will help me conquer my fear. I very well may disappear shortly after this blog post. Please don't look for me, there is a good chance you will disappear too. Besides, I will have contributed nothing to this world except for a brief five minutes of hilarity about the denizens of the fine state of New Jersey.

In case you haven't seen the Real Housewives (RHONJ) in a while, this is a brief re-cap of what has happened the past season(s) as well as a character break down….

Theresa Guidice -  She's a woman who takes no prisoners. She takes no prisoners because  in the near future, she may very well be one. Her and her husband are in serious trouble with the law. Not like, "I forgot to pay my parking tickets" law, but more like "My husband may or may not have embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from his construction partner" law. Whoops. It happens. When you pay for everything in cash, it's hard to keep accurate bank records. But, no fear, because Theresa is a smart business woman, she will prevail. She used to work at Macy's, specialized in furs and pumps and she's written a couple of best selling cookbooks. She also also devoted to charity work and has gone on a national tour to promote illiteracy in public schools.

Theresa is "large and in charge" and gets fashion advice from Betty Rubble. Seriously, she is always wearing leopard, or tiger, or panther,  or manatee. Most of the animals she wears are extinct. I'm positive the Smithsonian has a warrant out for her arrest. SHE LOVES ANIMAL PRINT. THE MORE ENDANGERED, THE BETTER.  If Theresa could have a scarf made out of Albino Panda Bears, she would. Equally impressive is her ability to flip a table. She can flip a table faster than a waiter at  Rainforest Café during Sunday brunch. She is the Mary Lou Retton of table flipping. She also is fond of the expression, "you's alls". I'm not sure entirely what it means, I'm still researching.

She has four sideshow circus children - Gia, Gabriella, Millania and Audriana.  I believe her children are named after the daughters of Triton in "The Little Mermaid". Disney should look into this. Her first child, Millania, is a trained Italian gymnast who can do the unthinkable – a cartwheel with one hand. I'm sure she's won a medal for it, which she has since bedazzled. Gabriella, her second child, is a "runway model", whom I wish would walk the runway at Newark Int. Gia, the third child, likes to scream a lot and excels in language arts, with a concentration in S.A.T. vocabulary like "poopy head", and "stupid poopy head". Audriana, Theresa's fourth child, is a baby and is too young to notice that she will probably be carted away by CPS and put in an orphanage within a couple months. Audriana will soon be the Italian Annie. Theresa's fifth child is her meat head husband Joe.

As I mentioned, Theresa is married to this meat head named Joe. He's a really nice guy. He is especially kind to women. In New Jersey I believe it state custom to greet your wife with a closed fist while saying, "Shut the fuck up". It's a Jersey thing. Joe is referred to as "Juicy" on the show, this is because he's pumped full of illegal steroids. He also has chronic diarrhea, which I'm assuming can only be a result of Theresa's cooking.

Caroline Manzo – Matriarch and stable Mabel. Caroline is deadly serious all the time. I don't think I've ever seen her laugh. Caroline Manzo could be on Space Mountain at Disney World and she'd still be miserable. But I love her anyway. She's got a big family and is fiercely protective of her sisters and her kids. She's currently going through "the change". She's in denial though. It's like that episode of the "Golden Girls" when Blanche thinks she's pregnant and she's actually just going through menopause and no one can convince her otherwise. Caroline's got hot flashes, headaches and a short temper. Her doctor tells her she's experiencing symptoms of menopause. Naturally, because of her optimistic disposition, instead she thinks she has a brain tumor. Caroline has a radio show during which she deals out provocative sage advice: 
Advice like….Is it okay to wear white seal fur after labor day? Does the NJ turnpike require trunk inspection? If you want to be an Italian chef at the Olive Garden, do you really need to go to Florence for training? 

Kathie Wakile – She's a delightful woman married to that dentist from Little Shop Of Horrors. I enjoy her immensely, she's sweet and her children are well adjusted for having suffered the tragedy of growing up in New Jersey. She owns a catering business that Theresa claims she stole all the recipes from Theresa's mother.

Jacqueline Laurita – In case you forgot/never knew, Jacqueline used to be friends with the infamous Danielle Staub. AKA Danielle Stab. Danielle was the Komodo-Dragon-faced lady who allegedly kidnapped a bunch of Guadalupan kids and sold them for turquoise jewelry (something like that).

In season one, Theresa flipped a table on Danielle and called a "bleep bleep prostitution whore!". Danielle hung out with jail bait, liked to dance (aka strip), and her snatch was filled with coke...allegedly. The fight between Theresa and Danielle Staub remains one of the greatest moments in television history. Anyway, Danielle has since retired to a condo in Florida where she writes lesbian love songs which grace the airwaves of many NJ community college radio stations. 

Jacqueline has a problem child named Ashlee. Ashlee has the ambition of a koala with Down Syndrome. She lives at home, doesn't work, dyes her hair different colors and goes for mani-pedis and bi-weekly tramp stamps. Yep, she is a real housewife in the making. You may remember in season two Ashlee went to court because she pulled Danielle Staub's wig off during a fight at Caroline's supper club. I'm not sure if she went to jail, but I really wish she was in lock down right now. Actually, scratch that; Ashlee would probably enjoy prison, in jail employment is optional, not mandatory (or so I'm told). Jacqueline and her husband keep kicking her out of the house, yet, like a horsey faced harlot to water, she keeps on coming back.

Ashlee...

Melissa Gorga - Melissa is married to another clown named Joe (surprise) but, according to reports he's not as juicy as Theresa's Juicy. Melissa's a "pop singer" who's hit song is called "On Display". Here are the lyrics to the chorus in case you were interested....

Cause I’m on display, on display, on display
Each and every day, every day, every day
Everybody’s waiting on me to fall
Everybody’s waiting on me to crawl but they can keep on
(Waiting on me, Waiting on me, Waiting on me to fall) REPEAT 4 TIMES


On Display


What is with every housewife becoming a pop singer? My mom stayed at home all day every day for six years and never once did she write a lesbian love song or a mix a dance single. C'mon mom, put down the bottle and start singin'! If Countess Tranann can write a pop song consisting of made up French catchphrases you can too.

So if you aren't watching you need to tune in. If nothing else, your vocabulary will extensively improve. Also you could learn some kick-ass table flipping moves.