Celebrity Apprentice is the greatest game show in the history of television. I love it so much I've chosen to endorse it on my blog, which I'll have you know, is read by 10's of people. This season is undoubtedly the best Celebrity Apprentice yet. To be honest, I do miss the season where it was Melissa Rivers vs. Joan Rivers vs. Annie Duke, but this season is a close second. By the way, Annie Duke's real name is actually Anne LaBarr Lederer. I LOVE when people change their name to match their profession. Anne’s name change is like when a porn star changes his or her name to match the skill they excel at (IE: Seymore Butts, Syla Foxxx, or Mandingo). If I changed my name to match my profession it would be Elliott Sassy Slave. This is in no way related to my drag name, Alotta Mosquitas.
Back on topic, I'm just going to give a brief rundown of the cast mates of Celebrity Apprentice (many of whom have already been eliminated). I'm going to try and keep my list fairly spoiler free in case anyone is watching the season in re-run…..
Donald Trump – Professional Businessman/Clown. Enjoys wigs. Likes to feel cool wind blowing through his goldilocks. Loves cash and things made of gold. Master Chauvinist and Master Of Ceremonies. Pits contestants against each other (not that they need much help). Has three spoiled children, two boys and one girl. Enjoys trumpets playing when he enters any room.
“Trumpeteers” (Donald Trump's kids) - Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric. These children would inevitably drown in the chocolate river or go down the bad egg chute if they were at Wonka's factory. Ivanka is the adjusted one and she's actually quite pretty and smart (for a “Trumpeteer”). Eric and Donald Jr. enjoy hair grease, douchebaggery and fake tits.
Clay Aiken aka Clay Gayken - Runner up of American Idol who has a hyper intense following of fans called "Claymates". Claymates are middle aged, Southern, Christian woman, who are convinced that Clay's not really gay, it's just a phase. Side note - His 2003 hit album is called "Measure Of A Man" (and we all know what that means). Lately, he's been looking a little rough, his face kinda looks like clay that hasn't quite hit the kiln.
Michael Andretti - Retired race car driver. He's on the show by default. Apparently Michael's son was supposed to be a contestant but, there was some sort of snag so now Michael is on. For the first four episodes, I thought he was an extra. His charity is called "Racing For Cancer". The worst possible name for a charity EVER. I'm sure he came up with it.
Adam Carolla - Professional Tool bag who used to host "The Man Show". I actually really enjoy him; he was always sassy to Donald. He makes fun of Donald directly to his face, whenever Donald says something stupid (every other scripted line).
Arsenio Hall – Token black guy. Comedian. Probably been tapped off the stage at the Apollo once or twice. He's a nice guy seemingly, until he loses his shit on Aubrey O' Day. Then, we learn he isn't so nice after all.
Lou Ferrigno – The Incredible Hulk of disabled people. He's partially deaf and no one can understand him and yet he thinks he's Winston Churchill. Love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Helen Keller.
Paul Teutul Sr. – He's on some manly show called American Chopper. I assumed at first American Chopper was about crudités, but turns out it actually about motorcycles. Not interested. He's sweet though.
Theresa Giudice – NJ Housewife, chef, table flipper. Donald keeps pronouncing her name “TER-RAY-SAH” even though everyone else on the show clearly pronounces her name as “THE-REE-SA”. Has three circus freak daughters and a meat head husband, "Juicy". Will trade her charity money in for cash so she can use it to pay her foreclosure. I love Theresa even though she's a danger to society.
Debbie Gibson– Fizzled Pop star. Her name sounds like an ice cream flavor. "Go to Seven Eleven, pick up some tampons, US weekly and a pint of Debbie Gibson". She's just called Deb. Aubrey says she can't sing (surprise).
Lisa Lampanelli – Wisecracking comedian and potty mouth. The queen of mean. Insult comic. Possibly my long lost mother; I'm checking into it on familytree.com. She may win. Her charity is "Save the Children, Just Not The Black Ones."
Penn Teller – Huge ass magician. Frankenstein with a wand instead of a bolt. Has a show called "Bull Shit" which I think is a documentary on Obama-care. I love Penn. He's a cool cat.
Victoria Gotti – Co-Star of "The Sopranos". They spin her as"author". By author, they mean she's penned many a ransom notes in blood. I think her and Theresa are related. Every other contestant is terrified Victoria will have them murdered (and they are probably right). Wouldn't that be awesome if she won by just killing off the other contestants one by one?….
Donald -"Where's Penn, he was supposed to be selling celebrity sandwiches?"
Victoria -"I made him disappear (chuckles to herself)”.
Cheryl Tiegs – Former supermodel who peaked in the 1800's. She was great modeling the original pilgrim tube top.
Patricia Velasquez – ESL student, actress. Oscar nominee for the Spanish independent film, "Puedo Ir El Baño?"
Tia Carrere – Pouty Actress/Vanessa Williams' stunt woman/stand in for Vanessa Williams.
Dee Snider – Rock Star who manages to break his finger in half while performing at Medieval times. That last part sounds like a joke, it's not.
George Takei/George Toogay – The gay guy who was on the original Star Trek. If any cast member was to hire a prostitute, it would be George Takei. He's probably at the Webb (Asian Gay bar) right now purchasing a young boy named Sue. His lazy 's' and slow speech coupled with an extensive use of S.A.T. vocabulary will cripple him.
Dayana Mendoza – Miss Universe Contestant/Possible Genius. Everyone thinks she's an idiot, yet she seems like the under-dog…or just a dog.
If you aren't watching you seriously need to tune in. The backstabbing, Clay Vs. Penn, Dee Vs. Medieval Times, Deana vs. English. The show is for a good cause and the money earned goes to charity. It airs on Sundays, the Lords day. If anything will bring you closer to God or make you feel better about yourself, it's the Trump. This is the man who sells bottled water at Macy's called "Trump Water". Don't buy it; it actually dehydrates you and causes ego inflation and hair loss. Just tune in, trust me.
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