Craigslist "missed connections" is always a fun place to visit if you are bored and you need a good pick me up. In my effort to entertain myself during the evening hours I decided to re-write the messages with an actual account of what really happened. After all, I believe in honesty and truth. People should not lie or exaggerate, especially on craigslist. Original messages in blue. Translations in red.
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Target, around 6pm - m4m - 22 (La Brea/SM Blvd)
Date: 2012-05-31, 1:01PM PDT
Reply to:
This is 100% pointless, but I'll give it a stab. You were told to move to another register, but didn't. you were wearing grey pants/toms. We had small talk; I wanted to say more, but didn't want to awkwardly wait after he finished cashing me out. Tell me something about me..? --
This is my last chance at finding a man so please, please respond. Last night I had a good mind to slit my wrists due to loneliness, the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my shitty kitchen knives were from Target "RE" Room Essentials collection and they can't cut through bread, much less lacerate my jugular vein. We were standing idly at the register as the blonde woman in front of us bought a banana. I noticed your grey pants and toms and immediately pegged you as fashion forward and that made me very happy. Carmella at the register couldn't tell if the banana was organic or regular and thus we had to wait for a store manager to come and solve this life dilemma. Whilst we were waiting, I murmured into your ear "Can you believe the size of that banana?" and you said "I've seen bigger". Carmella, frustrated not just at the untagged fruit, but also at her plight in life as a Target employee, turned on her light and dismissed you to aisle eight while she called a manager over. I was left standing there by myself, alone with organic banana woman and Carmella. I gazed at you longingly from across Checkout land. You purchased your pack of double sized 18 pack toilet paper and exited downstairs. Tell me something about me, I love when people talk about me, it's probably why I'm single. Yours truly, man behind Mrs. Chiquita banana.
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You win - w4w
Date: 2012-05-30, 4:23PM PDT
Reply to:
Everything I am I gave you
Every dream I dreamt was of you
Even when you fought my love I loved you
My trying's done
Down goes our sun
My empty heart
Your heart so thin
I've been knocked out
I'm down
You win
As you swim the muddied pond, beware the plenty of fakes out there
Every dream I dreamt was of you
Even when you fought my love I loved you
My trying's done
Down goes our sun
My empty heart
Your heart so thin
I've been knocked out
I'm down
You win
As you swim the muddied pond, beware the plenty of fakes out there
Everything I am I gave you {herpes}
Every dream I dreamt was of you {being lowered into a volcano}
Even when you fought my love I loved you {and your pick-up truck}
My trying's done {I have arthritis from softball}
Down goes our sun {daylight savings bitch}
My empty heart {bleeds the warm blood of feminism}
Your heart so thin {my bush so thick}
I've been knocked out {from drinking}
I'm down {to go down}
You win {you cunt}
As you swim the muddied pond, beware the plenty of fakes out there
FIN
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Rachel... - w4w - 31 (los angeles)
Date: 2012-05-24, 1:00PM PDT
Reply to:
i haven't stop thinking of you...even though we haven't gotten very far, but i still miss you...i know i f***ed up and i know i should've gone to your house that one night...my reason was and still is logical, i just hope you can understand...text or call me, i really want to see you again -Paola-
I can't stop thinking of you, I wish you would leave the house more often. I'm sorry I stole your stuff, but in all fairness you did give me the key last year before we broke up. My reason was and still is logical, maybe you shouldn't have slept with Daria and maybe I needed a new IPAD. If you call the cops I will tell them about the puppy mill. I really want to see you again….so I can slit your throat. you dumb bitch. –Paolo–
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Deli Sandwiches & Piano - m4w - 32 (L.A.-90022)
Date: 2012-05-31, 12:56PM PDT
Reply to:
I chatted you up at a deli in east la on Tuesday, 05/29. i should have invited you to eat with me, but i didn't...
we talked piano and sandwiches. if somehow you see this and decide to e-mail me, please tell me anything specific (clothing, details of conversation, what you ordered, etc.) to weed out the numerous advertisement-prompted emails that i expect to receive...
we talked piano and sandwiches. if somehow you see this and decide to e-mail me, please tell me anything specific (clothing, details of conversation, what you ordered, etc.) to weed out the numerous advertisement-prompted emails that i expect to receive...
We were standing in line for our five dollar foot-longs and I was chatting with you about Boar's head when you declared, "Your bologna has a first name, it's S-H-U-T-U-P". You made me laugh, and I should have invited you to eat with me, but I didn't want our first date to be in a sandwich shop. It would have been awkward because you would have sat and shoved that giant sub down your throat as we conversed and all I would have been able to imagine is well, you know what. I mentioned I was a rehearsal pianist for Meatloaf and I don't know why, but you seemed to leave in a hurry without even ordering your sandwich. Please tell me anything specific about the conversation, I need to weed out all the emails I expect to receive, I tell a lot of people about my career in the music industry….
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To my meathead AC- from your kitten - w4m (Brentwood)
Date: 2012-05-30, 7:31AM PDT
Reply to:
You wanted your time & space and I've been using this time to work on myself. You'll probably never see this, but if you do...know that I love you and miss you everyday. I hope you can find your way back to me.
You should have fed me, you asshole!
-Sincerely, Tabitha the kitty cat.
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tattoos with cigar at 10 am tuesday - w4m - 34 (south pasadena post office)
Date: 2012-05-31, 1:36AM PDT
Reply to:
you were parked in the mazda in front of me. that was awesome.
So fuckin' awesome. I love men in Mazda's. Nothing is sexier. Except for men with tattooed dragon sleeves smoking cigars in Mazda's. I'm turning myself on right now. Yeah boy, yeah. Please write me back. I've got forty five cents in my pocket and a letter that still needs delivering.
First class mail only. Peace out. Awesome.
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you did it to me - m4m - 42 (wilmington)
Date: 2012-05-30, 6:39PM PDT
Reply to:
we was at the towel club in wilminton , i'm latin, you f...k me but you came so fast, can we do it again, but tell me how my hair is
I stopped by the towel club after my ESL class to pick up my weekly custodial paycheck. We had just finished our lesson in past vs. present tense and I was excited to try out my English skills with a true gentleman. I spotted you in the hallway and you looked at me like I was a piñata at a fourth of July picnic. I'm the Latin one, not the black or Asian one. You shot so fast and hard, it was like a gang fight in Tijuana. Tell me how my hair is, was it lookin' hot that day, or did I have the jew fro' ? (that happens when my wife buys VOX shampoo).
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Hollywood DMV - m4w - 33 (Formosa)
Date: 2012-05-31, 1:07AM PDT
Reply to:
You were stretching your injury today as I sparked a conversation with you. I knew you were a dancer when I saw you but when I looked close I realized you were an Angel. I wish I had asked for your digits or given you mine. They called your number and off you went into the DMV abyss to never re appear. I hope you read this. Its totally meant for you!
We were waiting in line for nearly ninety minutes. I was almost up, and I was nervous that I would have to take a vision test b/c DAMN, I thought I saw an Angel. I watched you bend over and stretch out those white silky tendons. I traced your camel toe around your lady lunchbox and wished I could speed through your V-Trap. Although you told me you were a dancer with the Los Angeles Ballet, I knew you were a coked up stripper b/c I saw you last Wednesday at Nude Girls XXX, not to mention, there's no such thing as the Los Angeles Ballet. Precious called your number and into the testing room you went. I hope you see this, even though you probably can't read. PS The wheels should be turned toward the curb going downhill.
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Perhaps I will do more of these in the future and/or explore another facet of Craigslist. It is a treasure trove of material. Who knew Craigslist is not just for finding jobs as web-cam performers...but rather a beacon of endless entertainment.
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